I have seen that quote so many places. On so many baby
items. Or, that same concept on other cute things that would melt any new
mothers heart. Twenty-five and a half years ago, when my mother held me in her
arms for the first time after I was born, I know that is what she thought,
because she has told me many times before. She finally had her little girl! She
was so excited! She could't wait to play dress up with me and teach me all
about the girly things in life. Quickly did she find out, that I wanted to be
just like my brother. I wanted to play in the mud, I wanted to catch frogs, and
I wanted to play every sport there was. And even if there was a little
disappointment in her heart, nothing mattered.
I was still her little girl. Ten perfect fingers and ten
perfect toes.
I grew up rough and tough. I didn't have it easy. I learned
to fight very early. And most of the fighting was within myself. (As most of it
really always is if we think about it, right? ;) ...) I battled with a not so
easy "childhood" with many deep routed hurts and struggles. My mom,
was awesome! She loved me harder and encouraged me thought every journey I
faced as I grew up. She was my biggest fan. Why?
Because I was her little girl. Ten perfect fingers and ten
perfect toes.
I did it all. I stayed up late. I had late night
conversations in the middle of my neighborhood street with my friends. I played
sports. I went to parties. I crushed on boys. I was the biggest tom boy ever. I
developed into a "girl" at some point in high school. I loved. I
lost. I saw death. I saw life. I laughed. I cried. I traveled. I graduated. I
started college. I interned. I was a leader. I was a mentor. I wrote. I read. I
grew up.
All, with ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes.
Little did any of us know that 23 years into my life, that
concept that had always been so consistent would change so quickly when the
doctor said one word.
Cancer.
Two years later, I still sit here and cry typing that word.
It is the rawest of emotion when everything you have ever
known and everything you have YET to know it placed before you with such
uncertainty. When doctors fill your head with what "could be" and
"what might have to be done" and you are clinging to every ounce of
hope that you can that this really isn't happening. You are filled with so many
thoughts and things you could say, but the words to explain them only exist in
heaven. When you can't explain to anyone how your doing when they ask, because
you really don't know. You are so grateful for the love and support of everyone
around you, but you still feel empty. It hurts. You want to wake up. You beg
for it to be a dream. You pray that it will all just go away. You die a little
inside seeing how much other people worry. You realize what it is. And that there
is nothing that you can do to change it.
And then........then......you fight.
"Clear Cell Sarcoma" A rare cancer that grows on
the extremities of its "hosts" So rare, they had to send me out of
town because no one knew what it was here.
I had to visit a emergency room once after one of my surgeries because
of an infection. When the ER doctor returned, I swear my jaw hit the ground when
she said, "SO, I googled your cancer." Oh dear, here we go. A tumor
had developed on my left third toe. The doctors tell you the worst of
everything. Up to the point of, "well, you may loose half of your
foot." "Well, it can't be fought with chemo-therepy because of the
way it grows." "well we will try this and that." You know your
in the same room, and you can hear them talking, but you really are not there.
In the "real" world, it seemed like everything had
gone so fast! Within 6 months, I had seen 6 doctors, had 3 surgeries, Spent
time in 3 hospitals, Was in bed for 3 months, was on over 4 different pain
medications, Cried about a billion times because it hurt, yelled about a
million times because I just wanted to get out of the house. And all building
up to that one moment...when I unwrapped my foot..and there I was facing it...
Ten perfect fingers...and NINE.....nine toes.
And I have never stopped fighting.
July 17, 2009, the fighting became worth it with a phone
call from yet another doctor: "You are cancer free"
The last two years have deff been the hardest two years of
my life. And I know, it will never stop being hard. But, I will get better. And
I will learn more. And I will get smarter. And I will grow. My foot may never
be the same, But my heart will change too. And the power of the heart, you do
NOT mess with!
Fast Forward One year later. I begin to see all of these
posts and hear hustle and bustle of some "Team Run Your Race". A
group of "I could never do that" people fighting to beat the odds of
their own doubts of themselves and run a half marathon! A Challenge I wanted so
badly to do! So I tried. With everything I had, but I couldn't. It was to early
and it was to hard.
Ten fingers and nine stinking, constantly painful, keeping
me from living life, toes.
I went to the race that day and watched as so many of my
friends crossed that finish line against all odds. Each with a different story
of grace and courage. I was inspired more then I ever had in my entire life.
They will never fully understand how touched I was. Just by them fighting their
fight, and running their race.
Fast Forward 6 months later, I hear the "Two Cities
Marathon Buzz" again. AH! Im itching to get in on the action, but I am
trying to be a good steward of my where I am and be patient. Come on now, this
is me. So I give it a go, I try again. Still too soon. It still hurts to bad. I
fought feelings of bitterness and anger. "ITS BEEN TWO YEARS! IS THERE
EVERY GOING TO BE AN END TO THIS PAIN!?" Then, a sweet friend, in a coffee
shop, told me this, "Slow down. It's ONLY been two years." She (if
she knows who she is) will never know how timely those words were for me. I
needed to hear that. That I had overcome SO much in the last two years, but
still, it had been only two years and there was plenty to overcome yet! Why
rush it all! LOL I needed to be ok with where I was at.
Then, a buzz I could get down with started happening.
Walking? I can walk this half marathon?? I don't know. The constant motion of
long distant walking was painful. But I could try. Again with a group of over
comers. Someone who was injured just weeks before the race the previous year
after having trained to run it. Someone who had began from scratch, having done
nothing, and decided to make a life change. And a woman who's husband had a
heart attack just a week or so before her race. And yet another group of
inspiring women, teaming up, injuries and all, to overcome and run. Thinking of
being on the course with them alone was enough to keep me going.
So the training began. It seemed pretty easy in the
beginning. Eh, two miles, I can do this. 30 or 40 minutes, no big thing. Then
one sunday I woke up, looked at my schedule, six miles. That was my first time
thinking, "this is gross and I don't want to do this." But I did. I
walked, went three miles and then realized, now I just have to walk home. And I
did. That was a painful walk. My foot swelled for days. I had my first
"rockin blister"! And the next day, my hips felt like I had given
birth. I realized then that this wasn't going to be easy. Because of the pain I
felt from that walk. And the issues I had with my foot. I had to stop training
for a long while. I skipped a lot of the training. Mile 7, 8, 9, 10, 11...they
all came and went...and I didn't walk them. I felt defeated and frustrated that
again, I wasn't going to be able to do this.
I remember praying one night and telling God how much I
wanted this. That I wanted to complete this. I told him I knew it may have been
early still and that I knew it would hurt, but I was asking for his grace to do
it. I wanted to face everything that I had so far in the last two years. Stare
it straight in the face and let it know that it hadn't won.
Cancer had not won.
And this race wasn't just for me. I carried in my heart every
person that has had a journey with Cancer. For every person who has fought an
illness. To the families who have lost loved ones. And for those who had
passed. This was for them too. They were all people who had overcome so much.
And now matter what anyone thought, or said, or may believe....They have never
lost. Just as I had never lost, and will never loose.
Cancer did not win.
So I got online, filled out the application, and I was in!
No turning back now folks! (non refundable and non transferrable :) ...which I
love by the way and I really think this is their way of saying, YOU CAN DO
THIS!)
Then, I looked at my schedule, knowing I had missed all that
training. What was next...12 miles!...12 stinking Miles! Oh Lord, what am I
doing.
Monday Morning came, I woke up, and at 5am I was out the
door. Three miles into it, the pain hit. ALREADY? But I kept going. Mile 5 came
and I thought, I still have 7 miles to go. Ugh! At mile 6 I started to get
emotional because I was proud of myself. And I started to think of everyone I
was doing this for! Especially a dear friend I lost a year before. One of my
greatest inspirations in life. At mile 7, my attitude had completely changed
and I said to myself, "Your over half way there!" Instead of, "UGH!
I have 5 more miles to go!" It became "YOU HAVE GONE 7 Miles!"
When mile 12 came, I won't lie, I was SO glad it was over, and I DEFF took a
nap. But I did it. I knew that I could do it!
That week I was interviewed by a local news station because
a friend, who had inspired me, thought I would inspire others. It became so
real at that point as I shared my story an my journey! I received so many words
of encouragements that I was so overwhelmed with love and support!
Fast Forward 2 short weeks later....
Woke up. Nervous! A simple hug from a friend reminded me
there were others rooting for me today too! I slipped my feet into my nikes,
grabbed my ipod, put on a special shirt I had made ("This is what a cancer
survivor looks like"), and I was out the door. Met up with my crew and
lined up in my corral.
BANG! The gun went off...The race was on!
I was with my crew for a while and as we all split up as we
set our pace, my journey on my mind and heart, my race had began. I pushed it.
I walked that walk. People along the way patting me on the back as they read my
shirt. Other runners and walkers telling me I could do it. Meeting other cancer
survivors along the way and sharing the joy of life together. Having complete
strangers yell my name and tell me to keep it up. People giving up their day to
give me water. Complete strangers telling me along the way that they saw me on
the news and they were inspired. ME? I inspired you? NO! No my friends, YOU
INSPIRE ME! I watched someone faint and struggled with feeling faint myself.
And then before I realized it someone yelled...ONE MILE LEFT!
Tears filled my eyes.
ONE MILE LEFT!
My music going, I pumped up the volume and continued on. I
spent that last mile thinking about everything that I had gone through in the
last 2 years. Every tear, every step, every ounce of pain, every moment I had
conquered something new, every person that had been there, every moment of
every day.
As I hit my mile 13 and made my last turn for that .1 mile.
I started to see some of those people who were there to support me. They came
to meet me there, to cheer me on. The tears flowed from that point on.
I remembered a verse at that moment that a dear friend
shared with me in the heat of my cancer battle (one that I remind myself of to
this day):
God’s way is
perfect.
All the Lord’s
promises prove true.
He is a shield
for all who look to him for protection.
For who is God
except the Lord?
Who but our God
is a solid rock?
God arms me with
strength,
and he makes my
way perfect.
He makes me as
surefooted as a deer,
enabling me to
stand on mountain heights.
He trains my hands
for battle;
he strengthens
my arm to draw a bronze bow.
You have given me
your shield of victory.
Your right hand
supports me;
your help has
made me great.
You have made a wide
path for my feet
to keep them
from slipping.
-Psalms 18:30-36
And I looked up and could see the Finish line in the
distance...I could see the faces of my friends cheering me on...and with all of
those who could be there in my heart, The last song on my play list began.
These lyrics explain every word I felt in that moment:
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me
yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
ya oh oh no
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to
And I crossed that finish line. It was the single most
painful and hardest thing I had ever done. But I crossed that finish line.
Cancer didn't win. The Pain didn't Win. I won. If you have
EVER faced a journey of overcoming...YOU WON in that moment with me.
I had never been so proud of myself every then in that
moment.
A Finishers medel placed around my neck as a symbol. In
honor that I FINISHED. I walked my journey. I walked my race.
And a reminder that as I continue to walk this hard journey
and as I continue this uncertain race... I CAN FINISH!
That afternoon, after celebrating with my friends, I reached
my house. I sat on my bed. I took off my shoes. I Looked down at my bruised,
blistered, and swollen to the utmost degree of a foot and weeped.
10 perfect fingers...and Nine perfect toes! :D
To all of you on your own journey, with your own story, I
say this to you: YOU CAN DO IT! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
-Amanda (13.1!!!!!)
