My Journey...My Race!

 "Ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes, the greatest gift a mother knows."

I have seen that quote so many places. On so many baby items. Or, that same concept on other cute things that would melt any new mothers heart. Twenty-five and a half years ago, when my mother held me in her arms for the first time after I was born, I know that is what she thought, because she has told me many times before. She finally had her little girl! She was so excited! She could't wait to play dress up with me and teach me all about the girly things in life. Quickly did she find out, that I wanted to be just like my brother. I wanted to play in the mud, I wanted to catch frogs, and I wanted to play every sport there was. And even if there was a little disappointment in her heart, nothing mattered.

I was still her little girl. Ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes.

I grew up rough and tough. I didn't have it easy. I learned to fight very early. And most of the fighting was within myself. (As most of it really always is if we think about it, right? ;) ...) I battled with a not so easy "childhood" with many deep routed hurts and struggles. My mom, was awesome! She loved me harder and encouraged me thought every journey I faced as I grew up. She was my biggest fan. Why?

Because I was her little girl. Ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes.

I did it all. I stayed up late. I had late night conversations in the middle of my neighborhood street with my friends. I played sports. I went to parties. I crushed on boys. I was the biggest tom boy ever. I developed into a "girl" at some point in high school. I loved. I lost. I saw death. I saw life. I laughed. I cried. I traveled. I graduated. I started college. I interned. I was a leader. I was a mentor. I wrote. I read. I grew up.

All, with ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes.

Little did any of us know that 23 years into my life, that concept that had always been so consistent would change so quickly when the doctor said one word.

Cancer.

Two years later, I still sit here and cry typing that word.

It is the rawest of emotion when everything you have ever known and everything you have YET to know it placed before you with such uncertainty. When doctors fill your head with what "could be" and "what might have to be done" and you are clinging to every ounce of hope that you can that this really isn't happening. You are filled with so many thoughts and things you could say, but the words to explain them only exist in heaven. When you can't explain to anyone how your doing when they ask, because you really don't know. You are so grateful for the love and support of everyone around you, but you still feel empty. It hurts. You want to wake up. You beg for it to be a dream. You pray that it will all just go away. You die a little inside seeing how much other people worry. You realize what it is. And that there is nothing that you can do to change it.  And then........then......you fight.

"Clear Cell Sarcoma" A rare cancer that grows on the extremities of its "hosts" So rare, they had to send me out of town because no one knew what it was here.  I had to visit a emergency room once after one of my surgeries because of an infection. When the ER doctor returned, I swear my jaw hit the ground when she said, "SO, I googled your cancer." Oh dear, here we go. A tumor had developed on my left third toe. The doctors tell you the worst of everything. Up to the point of, "well, you may loose half of your foot." "Well, it can't be fought with chemo-therepy because of the way it grows." "well we will try this and that." You know your in the same room, and you can hear them talking, but you really are not there.

In the "real" world, it seemed like everything had gone so fast! Within 6 months, I had seen 6 doctors, had 3 surgeries, Spent time in 3 hospitals, Was in bed for 3 months, was on over 4 different pain medications, Cried about a billion times because it hurt, yelled about a million times because I just wanted to get out of the house. And all building up to that one moment...when I unwrapped my foot..and there I was facing it...

Ten perfect fingers...and NINE.....nine toes.

And I have never stopped fighting.

July 17, 2009, the fighting became worth it with a phone call from yet another doctor: "You are cancer free"

The last two years have deff been the hardest two years of my life. And I know, it will never stop being hard. But, I will get better. And I will learn more. And I will get smarter. And I will grow. My foot may never be the same, But my heart will change too. And the power of the heart, you do NOT mess with!

Fast Forward One year later. I begin to see all of these posts and hear hustle and bustle of some "Team Run Your Race". A group of "I could never do that" people fighting to beat the odds of their own doubts of themselves and run a half marathon! A Challenge I wanted so badly to do! So I tried. With everything I had, but I couldn't. It was to early and it was to hard.

Ten fingers and nine stinking, constantly painful, keeping me from living life, toes.

I went to the race that day and watched as so many of my friends crossed that finish line against all odds. Each with a different story of grace and courage. I was inspired more then I ever had in my entire life. They will never fully understand how touched I was. Just by them fighting their fight, and running their race.

Fast Forward 6 months later, I hear the "Two Cities Marathon Buzz" again. AH! Im itching to get in on the action, but I am trying to be a good steward of my where I am and be patient. Come on now, this is me. So I give it a go, I try again. Still too soon. It still hurts to bad. I fought feelings of bitterness and anger. "ITS BEEN TWO YEARS! IS THERE EVERY GOING TO BE AN END TO THIS PAIN!?" Then, a sweet friend, in a coffee shop, told me this, "Slow down. It's ONLY been two years." She (if she knows who she is) will never know how timely those words were for me. I needed to hear that. That I had overcome SO much in the last two years, but still, it had been only two years and there was plenty to overcome yet! Why rush it all! LOL I needed to be ok with where I was at.

Then, a buzz I could get down with started happening. Walking? I can walk this half marathon?? I don't know. The constant motion of long distant walking was painful. But I could try. Again with a group of over comers. Someone who was injured just weeks before the race the previous year after having trained to run it. Someone who had began from scratch, having done nothing, and decided to make a life change. And a woman who's husband had a heart attack just a week or so before her race. And yet another group of inspiring women, teaming up, injuries and all, to overcome and run. Thinking of being on the course with them alone was enough to keep me going.

So the training began. It seemed pretty easy in the beginning. Eh, two miles, I can do this. 30 or 40 minutes, no big thing. Then one sunday I woke up, looked at my schedule, six miles. That was my first time thinking, "this is gross and I don't want to do this." But I did. I walked, went three miles and then realized, now I just have to walk home. And I did. That was a painful walk. My foot swelled for days. I had my first "rockin blister"! And the next day, my hips felt like I had given birth. I realized then that this wasn't going to be easy. Because of the pain I felt from that walk. And the issues I had with my foot. I had to stop training for a long while. I skipped a lot of the training. Mile 7, 8, 9, 10, 11...they all came and went...and I didn't walk them. I felt defeated and frustrated that again, I wasn't going to be able to do this.

I remember praying one night and telling God how much I wanted this. That I wanted to complete this. I told him I knew it may have been early still and that I knew it would hurt, but I was asking for his grace to do it. I wanted to face everything that I had so far in the last two years. Stare it straight in the face and let it know that it hadn't won.

Cancer had not won.

And this race wasn't just for me. I carried in my heart every person that has had a journey with Cancer. For every person who has fought an illness. To the families who have lost loved ones. And for those who had passed. This was for them too. They were all people who had overcome so much. And now matter what anyone thought, or said, or may believe....They have never lost. Just as I had never lost, and will never loose.

Cancer did not win.

So I got online, filled out the application, and I was in! No turning back now folks! (non refundable and non transferrable :) ...which I love by the way and I really think this is their way of saying, YOU CAN DO THIS!)

Then, I looked at my schedule, knowing I had missed all that training. What was next...12 miles!...12 stinking Miles! Oh Lord, what am I doing.

Monday Morning came, I woke up, and at 5am I was out the door. Three miles into it, the pain hit. ALREADY? But I kept going. Mile 5 came and I thought, I still have 7 miles to go. Ugh! At mile 6 I started to get emotional because I was proud of myself. And I started to think of everyone I was doing this for! Especially a dear friend I lost a year before. One of my greatest inspirations in life. At mile 7, my attitude had completely changed and I said to myself, "Your over half way there!" Instead of, "UGH! I have 5 more miles to go!" It became "YOU HAVE GONE 7 Miles!" When mile 12 came, I won't lie, I was SO glad it was over, and I DEFF took a nap. But I did it. I knew that I could do it!

That week I was interviewed by a local news station because a friend, who had inspired me, thought I would inspire others. It became so real at that point as I shared my story an my journey! I received so many words of encouragements that I was so overwhelmed with love and support!

Fast Forward 2 short weeks later....

Woke up. Nervous! A simple hug from a friend reminded me there were others rooting for me today too! I slipped my feet into my nikes, grabbed my ipod, put on a special shirt I had made ("This is what a cancer survivor looks like"), and I was out the door. Met up with my crew and lined up in my corral.

BANG! The gun went off...The race was on!

I was with my crew for a while and as we all split up as we set our pace, my journey on my mind and heart, my race had began. I pushed it. I walked that walk. People along the way patting me on the back as they read my shirt. Other runners and walkers telling me I could do it. Meeting other cancer survivors along the way and sharing the joy of life together. Having complete strangers yell my name and tell me to keep it up. People giving up their day to give me water. Complete strangers telling me along the way that they saw me on the news and they were inspired. ME? I inspired you? NO! No my friends, YOU INSPIRE ME! I watched someone faint and struggled with feeling faint myself. And then before I realized it someone yelled...ONE MILE LEFT!

Tears filled my eyes.

ONE MILE LEFT!

My music going, I pumped up the volume and continued on. I spent that last mile thinking about everything that I had gone through in the last 2 years. Every tear, every step, every ounce of pain, every moment I had conquered something new, every person that had been there, every moment of every day.

As I hit my mile 13 and made my last turn for that .1 mile. I started to see some of those people who were there to support me. They came to meet me there, to cheer me on. The tears flowed from that point on.

I remembered a verse at that moment that a dear friend shared with me in the heat of my cancer battle (one that I remind myself of to this day):

  God’s way is perfect.

      All the Lord’s promises prove true.

      He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.

  For who is God except the Lord?

      Who but our God is a solid rock?

  God arms me with strength,

      and he makes my way perfect.

  He makes me as surefooted as a deer,

      enabling me to stand on mountain heights.

  He trains my hands for battle;

      he strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow.

  You have given me your shield of victory.

      Your right hand supports me;

      your help has made me great.

  You have made a wide path for my feet

      to keep them from slipping.

-Psalms 18:30-36

And I looked up and could see the Finish line in the distance...I could see the faces of my friends cheering me on...and with all of those who could be there in my heart, The last song on my play list began.

These lyrics explain every word I felt in that moment:

The pathway is broken

And The signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was

When I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

so if all of these trials bring me closer to you

Then I will walk through the fire

If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When you lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone

ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me

And I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through

And I will go through the valley If You want me to

And I crossed that finish line. It was the single most painful and hardest thing I had ever done. But I crossed that finish line.

Cancer didn't win. The Pain didn't Win. I won. If you have EVER faced a journey of overcoming...YOU WON in that moment with me.

I had never been so proud of myself every then in that moment.

A Finishers medel placed around my neck as a symbol. In honor that I FINISHED. I walked my journey. I walked my race.

And a reminder that as I continue to walk this hard journey and as I continue this uncertain race... I CAN FINISH!

That afternoon, after celebrating with my friends, I reached my house. I sat on my bed. I took off my shoes. I Looked down at my bruised, blistered, and swollen to the utmost degree of a foot and weeped.

10 perfect fingers...and Nine perfect toes! :D

To all of you on your own journey, with your own story, I say this to you: YOU CAN DO IT! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

-Amanda (13.1!!!!!)

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!

....Someday. :)

I love a good trick!

Tonight I heard and AWESOME message regarding marriage. It stirred a lot of really good thoughts and made me ponder so much in my heart. But it was the very last point of the message that really had me going.

" The bible begins and ends with a Wedding."

WOW!!! Have you thought about that before? Because it is a really cool thought to me!!!

My good friend Daniel really hit the nail on this message. Although I am not yet married, I take every opportunity to learn from those around me and to hear the heart of God in regards to this subject because one day, God willing, I will be in that season. However, tonight didn't stir my heart to marriage to my "future husband", but to the Lord.

Daniel shared about Adam and Even in Genesis. How the Lord had created adam, how then the Lord created the animals, but among them there was no suitable helper for Adam. So the Lord created a woman out of the rib of man.

"This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman because she was taken out of man" -Gen 2: 23

THEN....BAM!....wedding:

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh." -Gen. 2:24

Wedding one!

Then.... the bible ends with a wedding also:

"For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready...Bless are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb" Revelation 19: 7,9

"I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband...now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them." Revelation 21:2-3

Wedding two

So here is what I got! :)

Really...I thought about ALL that is in between those two weddings...there is a story.

The very last verse of Genesis 2 says this: "The man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame."

When Adam and Even came together there was no shame within their marriage or themselves because it was a HOLY union. One anointed by the Lord. It was a beautiful gift. One that was pure and right. There was no reason to be shamed.

Then....along the way...the temptation was great....and choices were made. There started the story and thousands of years later we are still living that story. You can read in the bible of so many things that occurred in the pages between these weddings. Praise God that one of those things that occurred was the birth, death, and resurrection of Jesus. He is what makes the second wedding possible. Even after all of the things that have happened. After the way we have trampled on God's good love. The beauty of what he created marriage, love, and life to be. He still offers a purification and participation for us in this second wedding.

Do you get where I am going here?

Adam and Eve's Wedding was a Holy wedding......They were not shamed because of what it represented. Even after everything this world has endured and seen, in the end...we will stand before him again...made pure and Holy...united with our first love.


As a single adult woman, who does have the desire to get married, i pray that my marriage one day will be an "in between" marriage. It will also be a gift of the Lord and will depict a combination of both of the beautiful weddings spoke about above. A gift of a man. That I will be a "suitable partner" who will be Loved by him the way Christ loves the church. That i will be redeemed of past mistakes and stand with him complete in the Lord. What a beautiful gift of marriage the Lord has given us.

My whole single life I have always thought of marriage as God saying this: "Amanda, your husband will be my gift to you. He will NEVER be what I am to you. He will never love you as deep as I do. However, in this life...this will be the CLOSEST thing you will ever get to it."

Amen.

I am 25 and single. Not what I would have planned. However, I do not resent it. Actually, on all but a few days, I really enjoy it. Because I believe that my single life is ALSO a gift from the Lord. He has a plan and a purpose for me in my life now. I don't want the "pages in between" to be blank. I want them to be filled with peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self control, and love. That they would be filled with continual obedience. That they would speak of continues praise. And would depict a life lived at the feet of Jesus. And God willing, one day i do get married, that my husband and I would reflect the Love of Christ in our lives lived together.

I am bound to the Lord. He is my everything. Although my life has not always reflected my "marriage" to him, but to other things in this world. I can never forget, my heart will NEVER let me forget, my FIRST love.

And even within those "in between pages in my life" where mistakes may lay. Where those pages are not always filled with things I am proud of. One Day, I will still stand before the Lord, Holy and complete. I will enter in to his dwelling place. Part of the bride of Christ. To live....forever.

Marriage...its to much deeper then one would even think.


When you look at your life....whether single, married, widowed, divorced, whatever....What is your life reflecting that you are married to? What do you want it to reflect?

Think about it my friends..its worth it!

One Holy Wedding....To another Holy Wedding...and ALL that is inbetween!!

-Amanda

Moments to Experience

You know those moments. Those moments that all the world knows about? Those moments that are not just something you can hear about....but you have to experience yourself?

Like...

The way your heart is in your stomach on the first drop of a roller coaster. The silence in a room when a baby enters the world and then you hear them cry. That amazingly awkward silence right before your first kiss with someone. And the sweet sorrow of silence when someone leaves this world, but you know they are going home to be with the Lord.

That is what the presence of the Lord is for me. One of those moments. One of those moment you really can't describe with all the worlds in the world, but it experienced.

I love the Lord and I love His presence.

Because I love Him. I want to honor him. And when he asks me for something, I want to say yes.

This week I gave something very important to him. I have been serving as a Veritas youth leader at North East Assembly for the last 5 years. The most amazing 5 years of my life. Being a youth leader has been a true gift of the Lord. It is work, but the kind of work that you are honored you get to do. For the last 5 years I have walked next to some of the most INCREDIBLE youth of Fresno. I have sat at alters with broken young people. I have been apart of some of the most amazing joys of their lives. And I have watched the fire of the Lord ignite in the hearts of guys and gals that are willing to allow it to happen. As much as I feel that I was there to teach them and lead them. They taught me. They taught me about faith and they taught me about love. I have never loved anything like I loved being there with them. So when the Lord starting asking me to step away for a new season I was very concerned. But Lord what about this? And what about that? ...Like he isn't on top of it! hahaha How much Grace does he have for this prideful heart! I love my Jesus. From the moment he starting calling me....to this last wednesday when I stepped into obedience....he was there. Teaching me. Assuring me. Leading me. And now....in the sorrow of departure. He is holding me.

My last night there I told me youth this: "So many years ago, when I told the Lord he could have my life, I was agreeing to say what he wanted me to say, do what he wanted me to do, and go where he wanted me to go." ...and I mean every word. And I am reminding myself of that even tonight.

My five years there served a purpose. God used me to things I may not even know about. But I know that if I had not fulfilled my purpose...he would not have called me away. :) I trust him in that.

At the end of the night, every student there surrounded me....they passed around a microphone...and THEY prayed over ME! To me...that speaks volumes of what my time there meant. God....if that had been my legacy, that when I leave, they would know what it was to pray...let it be. If it had been that they know how to read your word, let it be. If there was ONE person who chose to follow you....then 5 years was worth it.

I love you Veritas. You will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart.


But what now Lord?

This question has been racking my brain for the last week. I have never been good with the unknown. But I know, when I said he could have my life...I was choosing to trust him. The last two years have been the hardest two years of my life. With a lot of hard LIFE things going on. Family, health, the loss of a dear friend. And each with such intricate story and detail. But I have found that I am broken and he desires to restore me.

I feel like I am in a season of life that is like the song "The heart of worship" where it says, "When the music fades, and all is stripped away...and I simply come." I feel like God is doing that....stripping everything away, just for me to come to him as I am.

I am craving him in a new way. Like a young girl craves the attention of her Father. I just want to be with him. In his arms.

This morning in worship God told me this, "You can live at this alter as long as you need to. I will be here."

I feel like this season is going to be one that proves His love for me. His will for me. And His passion for my life.

And although I don't know what is to come...I can hear him sing the words of this song:

"Come away with me, Come away with me
It's never too late, it's not too late
It's not too late for you

I have a plan for you
I have a plan for you
It's gonna be wild
It's gonna be great
It's gonna be full of me

Open up your heart and let me in"

Obedience

Obedience.

Things I think of when I hear that word: Being grounded, Elementary school, and a school a dog goes to when he is out of control.

Obedience is one of those words that you hear and you automatically think: “YES! THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN!”


Negative.

It’s going to be work.

Wouldn’t it have been nice if when we were younger, “being obedient”, when with phrases like, “You WILL go to Disneyland”, “You WILL accept this raise on your allowance”, or “You WILL go on this shopping spree at the mall and buy whatever you want.”

Obedience in something that is definitely something that does not come as second nature, but something that is learned. I have learned the rawest form of Obedience in my obedience to the Lord. And as I currently face, probably the biggest test of obedience I ever have, I can confidently say, you learn more in this process than any other. I recently read this quote:

“Obeying God is difficulty in the world we live in, but we are so much better off by learning through obedience. What we don’t learn through obedience we will usually be taught the hard way to us through difficult experiences.”

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” –Ep. 6:1

SO TRUE! That is how it has been or whole life. Obeying God is a lot of the same principals as obeying your parents. Stay out past curfew, grounded for a week. Don’t follow God’s voice in your life, it’s like being spiritually grounded. Feeling stuck because you can’t move. But the truth is: You can’t.

Usually we experience the path of disobedience because we think it is better then what has already been planned for us. But let me ask you this: Is where you end up what you had planned originally? Usually not. When God asks us to go somewhere or to give something up, it is for a great good. Not just for his kingdom, but for OUR lives. God is a God who “gives and takes away.” And believe it or not, even in the “taking away” part, he has our best interest in mind.

Sometimes I need to remind myself of the fact that when I chose to follow the Lord, I chose to give him my life, my hands, and my feet. To go where he wants me to go, to do what he wants me to do, and to say what he wants me to say. People may not always understand that. Infact, most won’t. Because we as humans have become so inward focused, we sometimes think of how people’s choices are going to affect US, rather then what God is doing in their lives.

“Not by way of eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart” –Ep 6:6

I want to be that person. I want to be that person that is being obedient, no matter what God is asking of me. And finally, I am learning how to be. It has taken God asking me how for one of the most important things in my life, but I KNOW it is for a great purpose. One even bigger then me. And although I may not see the benefits of it today and although it may be hard tomorrow, I know that one day, I will look back and know that I made my Father happy.

I encourage you’re my friends. Listen for that voice and be obedient. It may be hard today….but tomorrow it will bring a new journey.

In Christ ALONE!

Sometimes...I feel like i can do it all. Or at least I want to try. Or I do try. But the reality is...I can't. I can't do it alone. It is in CHRIST alone. My friend posted this amazing video a few weeks ago and ever since....this song has been encouraging my heart! I want to share it with you friends! Whether you are in a storm, a dry land, or in a fresh new season, I pray that you take a moment to read these lyrics, to listen to the words , and to allow them to sink deep in.

I encourage you to not just listen and read, but to understand.

THINK about each line and what it means for your life.

What an awesome God we serve.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand