October 10, 2015 was the single greatest day of my life. A day I will never forget. A day I waited, for what felt like FOREVER, for.
October 10, 2015 I married the love of my life.
That day, Brady and I were surrounded by nearly 200 people who loved us. There was smiling, laughing, hugging, and a LOT of crying. We spent months planning, inviting, and anticipating every detail of that day. As Brady and I promised our lives to each other we were surrounded by friends, family, mentors, teachers, and pastors. They were all there. Everywhere we looked, we found ourselves making eye contact with someone who had played an important role in who we had become. However, there was someone that was missing from that crowd that day. Someone that wasn't on the invite list. Someone that isn't a part of the memories and didn't experience the joy.
My father.
I have previously blogged about my relationship, or lack there of, that I had with my father throughout my life. His choice of lifestyle that caused him to spend most of my life in a jail cell or struggling with addiction that did not allow him to be functional enough to be apart of my life. And ultimately, took his life, preventing that from ever changing.
When Brady proposed to me in March of this year and we began planning our big day, there was minimal acknowledgement that my father would not be present at our wedding. There really wasn't a reason to acknowledge it. I have been surrounded by men that have stepped in to fill that roll at different times throughout my life. A stepdad, uncles, a best friend of a big brother, pastors, mentors, friends, and men of God that have walked with me. I was set. Everything was planned and ready to go. Now, we were just waiting for the day to finally arrive.
That is, until just two weeks before the big day, due to circumstances that are not important to this blog, I found myself no longer having someone to walk me down the isle and no one to do my first dance with. Both roles that should have, using traditional definition, been filled by my father. At that moment, the reality of the absence of my father had become so apparent. This was my wedding. The day every little girl dreams of and waits for. Those dreams are filled with that traditional definition. When the boy asks your father for your hand. The moment you daddy sees you in your wedding dress and tells you how beautiful you look. Your father walking you down the isle and giving you away to your soon to be husband. Followed by an emotional dance where he tells you that you will always be his little girl. Giving a speech, thanking everyone for being there to celebrate this special day.
That is how it is supposed to be, right? Not for me. You see, I didn't get that story.
Because there has been 50% of who helped create me, missing from 100% of my life.
That day, my brother Thomas stepped in and filled every role. Just as he has my entire life. God knew what I would need when he gave me a big brother.
Brady asked him of my hand in marriage. He came in before my wedding and cried when he saw me in my wedding dress. He walked me down the isle and gave me away to my soon to be husband. He danced with me, a very emotional dance and told me I will always be his little sister. He gave a speech, thanking everyone for being there to celebrate the special day. And in his speech said this...
"I am up here, addressing you all. It should be our father standing up there, but...."
This blog is to not lessen the role my brother played on my wedding day, because there is no one else that could have done a better job and deserved that place. But even my brother knew and acknowledged that it should have been someone else's privilege. NOT JOB. Privilege.
Having a child should never be a job, but a joy. And although there are so many rants I can give to why men need to be men and raise their little boys to grow up to be men of respect and honor, today I address you on behalf of the little girls of this world.
You are more than just 50% of who helped create them and they need you to be there 100% of their lives.
They need the traditions. They need you.
So this is to you:
Dear you who will assume the name father,
You don't know her yet. She will be apart of you. When she is born there will be so many things that reflect you. Maybe her eyes or her smile. Maybe her stubbornness or her love for sports. She doesn't know all of the details and I know you don't either, but she's coming.
She needs to see you when she enters this world. She needs yours to be the first smile that she sees. She needs you to hold her and welcome her into this world and promise her that, although you may not be perfect, you are going to be there.
She needs you to see her first day of school and every first day after that. She needs to see her 16th birthday and to pretend that you have a gun when she goes on her first date. Or maybe clean the one you really do have. She is going to need you to show her the kind of men that she SHOULD date. That she is worth nothing less than the best. She needs you to pretend not to cry when you see her in her prom dress and to full on cry when she graduates high school
She needs you to meet that man that she loves. For you to interrogate his every fiber, before ultimately giving your permission for him to marry her.
She needs you at her wedding. She needs your love, you hugs, your tears, your support. To walk her down the isle and tell her how proud of her you are. That she has turned out to be an amazing woman. To dance with her that one last dance. To tell her she will always be your little girl. To shake the hand of her husband and tell him to take care of her.
She is going to need you when she has her own children. They are going to need a grandpa who will spoil them rotten.
She needs YOU. Not the hope of you or the dream of you. YOU.
Should you choose not to accept that roll, God will absolutley fill the void, but there will never be another YOU. Your absence will always be felt in each of these mentioned moments. Suppressed or not, your absence will be felt. That little girl deserves 100% of you, 100% of the time.
Don't just be a father, be a dad.
It's a role, it's a privilege. Not a title.
Always,
A girl that wishes someone would had said this to her father
This blog comes from the deepest part of my heart that I am still learning about at nearly 30 years old. From someone who has felt every emotion there is to feel when it comes to this subject, I offer these three simple reminders:
Fathers: It's never to late to be apart of her life.
Daughters: Let him. Despite what you feel, you are lucky if you get that chance.
Teenagers: Don't ever tell your dad you hate him in the heat of the moment. Some girls are dreaming of having a father, who loves them enough, to discipline them in love.
