Dear You Who Will Assume the Name "Father"

October 10, 2015 was the single greatest day of my life. A day I will never forget. A day I waited, for what felt like FOREVER, for.

October 10, 2015 I married the love of my life.

That day, Brady and I were surrounded by nearly 200 people who loved us. There was smiling, laughing, hugging, and a LOT of crying. We spent months planning, inviting, and anticipating every detail of that day. As Brady and I promised our lives to each other we were surrounded by friends, family, mentors, teachers, and pastors. They were all there.  Everywhere we looked, we found ourselves making eye contact with someone who had played an important role in who we had become. However, there was someone that was missing from that crowd that day. Someone that wasn't on the invite list. Someone that isn't a part of the memories and didn't experience the joy.

My father.

I have previously blogged about my relationship, or lack there of, that I had with my father throughout my life. His choice of lifestyle that caused him to spend most of my life in a jail cell or struggling with addiction that did not allow him to be functional enough to be apart of my life. And ultimately, took his life, preventing that from ever changing.

When Brady proposed to me in March of this year and we began planning our big day, there was minimal acknowledgement that my father would not be present at our wedding. There really wasn't a reason to acknowledge it.  I have been surrounded by men that have stepped in to fill that roll at different times throughout my life. A stepdad, uncles, a best friend of a big brother, pastors, mentors, friends, and men of God that have walked with me. I was set. Everything was planned and ready to go. Now, we were just waiting for the day to finally arrive.

That is, until just two weeks before the big day, due to circumstances that are not important to this blog, I found myself no longer having someone to walk me down the isle and no one to do my first dance with. Both roles that should have, using traditional definition, been filled by my father. At that moment, the reality of the absence of my father had become so apparent. This was my wedding. The day every little girl dreams of and waits for. Those dreams are filled with that traditional definition. When the boy asks your father for your hand. The moment you daddy sees you in your wedding dress and tells you how beautiful you look. Your father walking you down the isle and giving you away to your soon to be husband.  Followed by an emotional dance where he tells you that you will always be his little girl. Giving a speech, thanking everyone for being there to celebrate this special day.

That is how it is supposed to be, right? Not for me. You see, I didn't get that story.

Because there has been 50% of who helped create me, missing from 100% of my life.

That day, my brother Thomas stepped in and filled every role. Just as he has my entire life. God knew what I would need when he gave me a big brother.

Brady asked him of my hand in marriage. He came in before my wedding and cried when he saw me in my wedding dress.  He walked me down the isle and gave me away to my soon to be husband.  He danced with me, a very emotional dance and told me I will always be his little sister. He gave a speech, thanking everyone for being there to celebrate the special day. And in his speech said this...

"I am up here, addressing you all. It should be our father standing up there, but...."

This blog is to not lessen the role my brother played on my wedding day, because there is no one else that could have done a better job and deserved that place. But even my brother knew and acknowledged that it should have been someone else's privilege.  NOT JOB. Privilege.

Having a child should never be a job, but a joy.  And although there are so many rants I can give to why men need to be men and raise their little boys to grow up to be men of respect and honor, today I address you on behalf of the little girls of this world.

You are more than just 50% of who helped create them and they need you to be there 100% of their lives.

They need the traditions.  They need you.

So this is to you:

Dear you who will assume the name father,

You don't know her yet. She will be apart of you. When she is born there will be so many things that reflect you.  Maybe her eyes or her smile. Maybe her stubbornness or her love for sports. She doesn't know all of the details and I know you don't either, but she's coming.

She needs to see you when she enters this world.  She needs yours to be the first smile that she sees. She needs you to hold her and welcome her into this world and promise her that, although you may not be perfect, you are going to be there.

She needs you to see her first day of school and every first day after that.  She needs to see her 16th birthday and to pretend that you have a gun when she goes on her first date. Or maybe clean the one you really do have.  She is going to need you to show her the kind of men that she SHOULD date. That she is worth nothing less than the best. She needs you to pretend not to cry when you see her in her prom dress and to full on cry when she graduates high school

She needs you to meet that man that she loves. For you to interrogate his every fiber, before ultimately giving your permission for him to marry her.

She needs you at her wedding. She needs your love, you hugs, your tears, your support.  To walk her down the isle and tell her how proud of her you are. That she has turned out to be an amazing woman. To dance with her that one last dance.  To tell her she will always be your little girl.  To shake the hand of her husband and tell him to take care of her.

She is going to need you when she has her own children.  They are going to need a grandpa who will spoil them rotten.

She needs YOU.  Not the hope of you or the dream of you. YOU.

Should you choose not to accept that roll, God will absolutley fill the void, but there will never be another YOU. Your absence will always be felt in each of these mentioned moments. Suppressed or not, your absence will be felt. That little girl deserves 100% of you, 100% of the time.

Don't just be a father, be a dad.

It's a role, it's a privilege. Not a title.

Always,

A girl that wishes someone would had said this to her father


This blog comes from the deepest part of my heart that I am still learning about at nearly 30 years old. From someone who has felt every emotion there is to feel when it comes to this subject, I offer these three simple reminders:

Fathers: It's never to late to be apart of her life.

Daughters: Let him. Despite what you feel, you are lucky if you get that chance.

Teenagers: Don't ever tell your dad you hate him in the heat of the moment.  Some girls are dreaming of having a father, who loves them enough, to discipline them in love.

Great Will Cost You Good

Nearly a year ago I moved away from the place I had called home for 26 years of my life.  With that move I left behind family, friends, community, minimal traffic, and basically, my social life.  I was a social butterfly.  I was spoiled to have so many people around that I loved and that loved me.  Working 8 hours and driving to a restaurant or coffee shop to meet a friend was nothing.  Life was good.

Then God's plan unfolded.  His promise came true.  And I fell in love. 

All of the sudden, life was GREAT.  But, in order to fully embrace this great life, I had to move. 

My GREAT life was going to cost me my GOOD life. 

When I first moved, everything was fine.  I was so busy adjusting to a new job, my new home, and trying to find my way around (which I still have yet to conquer), that I really didn't have time to miss anything.  Then about 6 months in, it hit me. 

I was homesick.

I missed my constant community, face to face talks, and my mom.  Friends were busy and hard to get ahold of and I found my big world starting to get a lot smaller.  Then, I got engaged, and it seemed to somehow get even smaller.  

My best friends, who I had dreamed about this day with, were so far away.  Some with major life events going on.  I found myself very lonely, in what should be the happiest days of my life. 

My fiancé was amazing.  Always encouraging and my constant friend. My friends were amazing too. They did everything they could (and still are) to plan, dream, and prepare for this special day. 

But for a little while there, I was hurting.  No ones fault.  Nothing that anyone could fix, nor did I want them too.  I was just missing the good life. 

One night, as I was praying through this inner struggle, I very clearly heard the Lord speak to me.

"If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison - your father, and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters - yes, even your own life.  Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple" -Luke 14: 25-27

I felt at peace. 

No, Jesus is not literally asking me to hate those that I love, but rather to follow him, with undivided loyalty.  

When you look at the lives of the disciples who followed Jesus, you will not find an easy life, but you will find a great life.  They counted costs and found that the benefits highly outweighed them.  They got to walk side by side with Jesus, witness miracles, and make SO many friends along the way.  In the end, some paid in blood, some in family, and some in friendship, watching their best friend be nailed to a cross. 

And I'm sure if you asked any of them today, they would do it again.  As would I. 

Although there are things, people, and places that I do miss...I am gaining so much by being here.  I look back and realize that those things are still all very much a part of my life and just a drive away.  They have just been placed in the hands of God for a greater plan. By saying yes to God's plan for my life...He is blessing me with some amazing new friends, community, and allowing me to marry my very best friend.  

THIS is the GREAT life.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.

So with all of this said, I encourage you to know that when you choose to follow Christ, wherever he may take you, it may cost you everything you know. However, you will gain so much in return.  Remember that his promises are true and when it hurts like hell, hold on to that.  His love never fails, his plan doesn't change, and his promises are true.  I say it again, His promises are true.  If you choose to walk in faith and trust that he is taking care of you, in the end, it will be ok. 

Just as I am ok. 

Hold fast friends, trust God, and go in faith.  Blessing is coming.  Faithfulness does not go unnoticed. 

Waiting For Something Worth Waiting For

For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed about my wedding day.  About that moment that I would walk down the isle to marry the man of my dreams.  I wanted so badly to be a bride.  I can count the endless hours I spent wondering when it would be my turn.

As years went by and I grew older, suddenly, this didn't seem like something that would ever happen! Beyond that, how long would I have to wait? Was it worth the wait?  Getting married felt like something that I had to make happen. So I dated.

I dated ALL the wrong guys. 

In the midst of dating, knowing full well I was dating people I shouldn't be, I dreamed up my wedding every time.  The dress.  The ceremony.  My bridesmaids.  The colors.  Anything you can think of, except one thing.  

I never dreamed of the groom.  

The images I dreamed up in my mind never included any of the men I had been dating, There was just never a groom!! Most likely because my heart knew these were fleeting relationships, however, kind of an important detail to be missing, don't you think?

That continued, date after date, until Brady. 

I can remember when I first met Brady seven and a half years ago.  We liked the same things, he was so easy to talk to, super cute, and my heart was instantly fond of him.  I can very distinctly remember, after only knowing him for a couple of months, the Lord spoke very clearly to me. 

"He will be your husband."

It was so clear in my heart, but not in my head.  How often is it that our heads get in front of our hearts? Had I trusted God, it would have saved me from so much heartache. I can't count the endless hours I spent with friends, mentors, and alters crying and begging for "my turn".  My heart desired God's will so badly, but my life did not reflect my hearts desires.  

Instead, I chose not to wait for something that was worth waiting for.  And my heart was broken every time.

Fast forward 7 years later and I find myself living that promise from so long ago.  The right timing had come along and I found myself dating Brady.  Was this even real?  Was the things I had dreamed about for so long really happening?!

Dreaming again.... 

But this time it was different.  This time, my dreams included a groom.   Not any groom, but Brady. The one the Lord had planned all along.  That wasn't even the part that was different though.  The difference was, that I was no longer dreaming about a wedding.  I realized that I had spent all of these years dreaming about my perfect wedding day.  DAY.

But with Brady, I dream of marriage.  The wedding is just a bonus in this journey. 

I was no longer in a rush for this "day" to happen.  I cherished every ounce of our "dating relationship" and didn't want to miss a moment of it.  The Lord again spoke to me and asked me to be patient.  

He had been faithful, so I could be patient.  For that, I am so thankful.  

Although, never having been married before, I realized that this season of dating Brady would be the only season like it we would get.  Although being married means we get forever together, each season to come would look different and we would never get the one before, back.  I didn't want my past habits of obsessing over a wedding day to ruin this exciting time. Ultimately, this season of dating Brady, was preparing us for the marriage, not the wedding.  This was the season that we get to dote over each other, we get to DATE, we get to figure out how to communicate, we get to miscommunicate, and we get to figure each other out.  This season is the foundation of our forever and had I allowed old habits to die hard, I would have completely missed allowing the Lord to lay the foundation of forever.  What was the rush?

Now, don't get me wrong.  I still dream of being a bride and my special day.  More than that though, I dream of being a wife.  Of knowing how to speak to my husband with respect and honoring him with everything I am.  Learning how to follow him in the good and the bad. Knowing how to SPEAK to him, not fight with him.  Experiencing a genuine love crafted by my creator, for me.  I don't want to be so excited about being a BRIDE, that I miss the growth of this season that will make me a WIFE.  

The wedding is just a day, the marriage is forever. 

THAT is why there was never a groom in any of the past dreams.  Because my heart only desired the day, not the life. 

As I sit here and type this, I do so with an engagement ring on my finger.  God's promise, from so many years ago, fulfilled.  Brady will be my husband and I his wife.  And this is a new season, a step above dating, that I will cherish every day of.  I won't miss the lessons its hold or the growth that awaits me.  I will allow the Lord to prepare my heart and pray he prepares his.  And when that day comes, that I walk down the isle as a bride, I walk into a season of FOREVER that could have ONLY been formed and fashioned in this season of patience. 

Brady was worth the wait.  And whoever you will marry someday is worth the wait.  

Wait for something worth waiting for. 

Hold tight, dreams do come true.  Don't waste your forever on impatience.  The gift is to great to open early.