A Letter to Fear

Dear Fear,

I can remember the first time you made yourself known to me. I was young. Very young. Maybe 2 or 3 years old.  That night was a rough night in my house. One that I wish everyday that I could forget. You remember that night well, I am sure of it. It was the day you made yourself known.

Now, I have known you for so long that it feels as though you have become a part of me. I don’t live with you, but I live IN you.

You are like an old tree with strong roots. They go deep, buried beneath the surface. Although strong, your fruit is dead, your leaves have withered, and you have taken me with you. People come and go, enjoy moments of happiness as they swing from your branches, but they fail to see the decay that is going on within. Threatening to end it all. No more place to visit, no more happiness, only decay. Soon you will be but a stump and so will I.

I don’t particularly care for you and I so often wish that you would take a hike.

You come, disguising yourself as a close companion. Composing yourself in such a calm and collective fashion, offering a sense of security and comfort for those who lean on you. You promise to be a familiar face, a blanket of consistency, and an assurance that you will always be there if only we would clothe ourselves in you.

Oh, but Fear, you are no companion of mine.

Why do you insist on being so scary?

Yet, everywhere I turn, there you seem to be. You are in the eyes of my husband when I am sick and in pain. You have even found your way into my love for him, as I want to grip on so hard, not wanting to think about life without him. You are in my bank account, as I tithe first to the Lord and trust that He will make the rest of our finances work as we pay bills and live. I sense as our faithfulness in this grows, so tightens your grip. You are in my family, as aging takes its place and I find the years with them growing shorter. You are in my friendships, as some grow distance and we become strangers. You are in every loss I have known in this life. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. You are in every doctor’s appointment, every test, and every result. You are in my thoughts and sometimes even show yourself in my prayers. You are in my very reflection. As I look in the mirror and look over this body of mine. I see how fragile it is yet how hard it fights. The last 8.5 years you have been more prevalent than ever. You are in the thoughts of my future, as I mull over how long it will last, rather than living it to the fullest.

You are in YOURSELF. I fear YOU, Fear.

You do not offer this life of mine any sense of security, nor are you a blanket of consistency.  As I clothe myself in you, I find no other feeling, but suffocation. You steal my very breath as you sit on my chest with the weight of a grown man.

I’m exhausted. I can’t keep going on like this. I believe it’s time that we part ways.

It’s not me, it’s you.

There are a lot of things in this life that my fragile body can carry, but you are no longer one of those things. I know this may come as a shock and you may even believe it won’t be possible for me to live without you, but I must try. I am sure this will be a harder journey than most things this life as thrown my way, but I will enjoy it more once you are not apart of it.

What is it that you fear?

If I had to guess, I would think that it is the idea that I may be able to live without you.  It would be the huge smile I wear in a moment of absolute joy. It is my healthy marriage, my sense of security, and our future together.  It is when the tithe is first, and every bill is paid. It is me enjoying every minute with friends and family as a gift. It is my unreserved hopes and my FIERCE dreams.

You probably fear my future. Don’t you? Because it’s big. It has purpose. It’s planned. And it doesn’t include you.

When you are absent, there is room for the Lord. As you have been present for far too long, there are deep places in my heart and soul that have not experienced the light. They have been unrefined. It is time to allow them to burn. Will it hurt? Like Hell. Like Hell burning away to make room for light.

I want to breathe clearly. I desire to experience a joy deeper than the surfaced, restrained joy that has that has been present in things that I love, because of you. I want to sleep peaceful for the first time in years.  I want to bear fruit. I want roots that produce life, not death.

I want to stare you in the face and tell you that as life is lived, as people die, as my body withers, as cancer grows, as my marriage struggles, as my future children make choices that are hard for me to watch, as I push my body to limits it does not know, as I learn to love myself, as I KEEP GOING that you will NOT WIN.

There will be moments that you try and appear, grip, re-enter a place that is no longer yours. In those moments, I will push back with everything I have to live for.

I hope this scares you.

This journey to rid you from my life may not be easy. I will not be perfect at it. It may take years. There is almost a part of me that fears my life without you, because what will that look like?

But I know, don’t I?

It will look like life.

Consider this your eviction notice. There is no room here for you anymore.

 

Amanda

Oh Death, Where is Your Sting?

"Where, O Death, is your victory? Where, O Death, is your sting?" 1st Corinthians 15: 55

This week I went to my small group that was being held by the pool at my friend's apartment complex.  This was the first time I had been able to join the girls this go around, so I was not sure where to go when I arrived.  When I walked up to the leasing office, I could see the pool behind it through the windows.  Although the sign said they closed at 6, when I tried the door it was open, so I figured that must have been the way to go.  I walked towards the back sliding doors and there I could see several of the my friends sitting in a circle talking, so naturally I thought, "this was must be way." However, when I tried the slider, they were locked.  The girls could not see me and I was trying to get their attention. Eventually, they did see me, told me the correct way to get in, and we all had a good laugh. 

The next day, I was at work on my break, just sitting at my desk staring into space.  It had been a week since my uncle passed away and just two days since my husband's grandmother passed away.  So much loss.  Grief and sadness that was overwhelming.  Tears started to well in my eyes and the Lord gave me a vision: 

I walked down a narrow, dark hallway.  At the end of the hallway was a solid door with a window on the top half of the door.  All I could see was the light that was coming from the other side of the door, which as piercing the darkness in the hallway. When I got to the door and looked in, my heart quickened.  The first face that I saw was my grandmothers. She was siting at a table eating.  Not just eating, but eating with no struggle.  It was not long before I realized that the person that was sitting across from her was my uncle. He was bending over putting on his boots.  He looked up at my grandmother and they shared a laugh.  He stood and picked up a cowboy hat from he table and put it on.  He looked amazing.  He stood up straight.  When he walked across the room, there was no limping or struggle. He looked strong.  His body was whole.  He looked a way that I had not seen I was a toddler.   As I looked around the room, I realized that I was seeing the people whom I loved in this life and had lost.  My friend Jaimee was sitting in a corner, playing a guitar.  She appeared to be singing.  What I would have given to hear what she was singing. My friend Rachel was standing by another window looking out.  It looked like she was watching someone else or waiting.  Sitting in two chairs towards the middle of the room was my husband's grandmother, sitting and reunited with her husband.  She looked so so happy.  There was a young girl playing at their feet, who I only assume to be her daughter that she lost many years ago.  

These were the people I loved, people who my heart has been breaking over because I miss so much. They were no sad, there was no pain.  They had a sense of joy and a look of peace on their faces that I don't think I could ever explain.  One that I know could never be found on this earth. This was heaven I was watching.  I looked again at my uncle.  Someone I grieved for on this earth because he body betrayed him on a daily basis.  There was no struggle in him.  He was whole. It was beautiful.  The tears streamed down my face.  The only sound I could hear was that of my own weeping.  

The vision ended and The Lord spoke to me, "The sting is on the other side of the door." 

Again I wept. 

Death does sting.  It stings so bad. Losing someone you love hurts to the core of who we are. I have endured a lot of loss in this world and it has been in a very short amount of time. It is heartbreaking, in a literal sense of feeling like my heart is in pieces. There are times when the sadness feels like it will take my very breath away. Sometimes I feel like I can't go on another day.  However, when the Lord gave me that vision, when I looked upon the faces of the ones I loved in this world, I realized that those feelings were only mine.  They do not experience any of them.  No sadness, no loss of breath, no pain, no heartbreak.  Only joy, peace, and endless amounts of God's presence.  They are made whole in a way we will not know this side of heaven. 

The sting is only felt on the other side of the door.  Our side of the door. 

I feel like this was God's way of acknowledging that he sees me where I am and that it is ok. I also believed that he wanted me to see that they were ok.   I think often times as Christians, we do not have enough grace for ourselves in the process.  We hear the "isms" all the time, "Jesus has a plan in all of this", "Jesus loves you", and my person favorite "Jesus would not give you more than you can handle" (not biblical btw and not true).  Although most of the time these "isms" are absolutely true, they do not make the process easier, just because they are said.  The process SUCKS and it is painful.  Yes, we were formed and fashioned in our mother's wombs. Jesus absolutely knew what he was doing when he created us, but when we were born, we were born into flesh.  The flesh part of us has emotions.  Emotions are meant to be felt and experienced.  I do believe that God would want us to feel every single one of them. It is what we do of with them that is the key.  

Another "ism" that we hear all of the time when we lose people in this world is, "They are in a better place."  When our loved ones know the Lord, this is a fact.  They ARE in a better place.  Seeing this vision that God gave me seals that in my heart.  It was God giving my grieving heart a glimpse of truth.  Sometimes the grief blurs the truth. Its almost that sometimes we believe that what we feel is what they feel.  That there is eternal separation from them.  We will never see them again.  However, in Christ, this is not the case.  We are simply just standing on the other side of the door.  We are the ones that are broken and bruised, not the ones we grieve for.  Not anymore. 

The last month or so I have not been ok.  I have cried more than I care to admit, I have  and my heart feels like a ton of bricks ALL of the time.  But that is ok for now.  I miss my family members and my friends.  I always will.  I will always miss them while we are separated on this earth, but I am engaged in being honest with my feelings and my heart during that time.  

If you are hurting, I want to encourage you that you are not alone, that it is ok to not be ok, and that there is freedom to feel.  Ask God to show you what it is you need to see as you process your emotions.  He is faithful. 

To all of those standing on the side of the door we are not on....We miss you. 

Dear You Who Will Assume the Name "Father"

October 10, 2015 was the single greatest day of my life. A day I will never forget. A day I waited, for what felt like FOREVER, for.

October 10, 2015 I married the love of my life.

That day, Brady and I were surrounded by nearly 200 people who loved us. There was smiling, laughing, hugging, and a LOT of crying. We spent months planning, inviting, and anticipating every detail of that day. As Brady and I promised our lives to each other we were surrounded by friends, family, mentors, teachers, and pastors. They were all there.  Everywhere we looked, we found ourselves making eye contact with someone who had played an important role in who we had become. However, there was someone that was missing from that crowd that day. Someone that wasn't on the invite list. Someone that isn't a part of the memories and didn't experience the joy.

My father.

I have previously blogged about my relationship, or lack there of, that I had with my father throughout my life. His choice of lifestyle that caused him to spend most of my life in a jail cell or struggling with addiction that did not allow him to be functional enough to be apart of my life. And ultimately, took his life, preventing that from ever changing.

When Brady proposed to me in March of this year and we began planning our big day, there was minimal acknowledgement that my father would not be present at our wedding. There really wasn't a reason to acknowledge it.  I have been surrounded by men that have stepped in to fill that roll at different times throughout my life. A stepdad, uncles, a best friend of a big brother, pastors, mentors, friends, and men of God that have walked with me. I was set. Everything was planned and ready to go. Now, we were just waiting for the day to finally arrive.

That is, until just two weeks before the big day, due to circumstances that are not important to this blog, I found myself no longer having someone to walk me down the isle and no one to do my first dance with. Both roles that should have, using traditional definition, been filled by my father. At that moment, the reality of the absence of my father had become so apparent. This was my wedding. The day every little girl dreams of and waits for. Those dreams are filled with that traditional definition. When the boy asks your father for your hand. The moment you daddy sees you in your wedding dress and tells you how beautiful you look. Your father walking you down the isle and giving you away to your soon to be husband.  Followed by an emotional dance where he tells you that you will always be his little girl. Giving a speech, thanking everyone for being there to celebrate this special day.

That is how it is supposed to be, right? Not for me. You see, I didn't get that story.

Because there has been 50% of who helped create me, missing from 100% of my life.

That day, my brother Thomas stepped in and filled every role. Just as he has my entire life. God knew what I would need when he gave me a big brother.

Brady asked him of my hand in marriage. He came in before my wedding and cried when he saw me in my wedding dress.  He walked me down the isle and gave me away to my soon to be husband.  He danced with me, a very emotional dance and told me I will always be his little sister. He gave a speech, thanking everyone for being there to celebrate the special day. And in his speech said this...

"I am up here, addressing you all. It should be our father standing up there, but...."

This blog is to not lessen the role my brother played on my wedding day, because there is no one else that could have done a better job and deserved that place. But even my brother knew and acknowledged that it should have been someone else's privilege.  NOT JOB. Privilege.

Having a child should never be a job, but a joy.  And although there are so many rants I can give to why men need to be men and raise their little boys to grow up to be men of respect and honor, today I address you on behalf of the little girls of this world.

You are more than just 50% of who helped create them and they need you to be there 100% of their lives.

They need the traditions.  They need you.

So this is to you:

Dear you who will assume the name father,

You don't know her yet. She will be apart of you. When she is born there will be so many things that reflect you.  Maybe her eyes or her smile. Maybe her stubbornness or her love for sports. She doesn't know all of the details and I know you don't either, but she's coming.

She needs to see you when she enters this world.  She needs yours to be the first smile that she sees. She needs you to hold her and welcome her into this world and promise her that, although you may not be perfect, you are going to be there.

She needs you to see her first day of school and every first day after that.  She needs to see her 16th birthday and to pretend that you have a gun when she goes on her first date. Or maybe clean the one you really do have.  She is going to need you to show her the kind of men that she SHOULD date. That she is worth nothing less than the best. She needs you to pretend not to cry when you see her in her prom dress and to full on cry when she graduates high school

She needs you to meet that man that she loves. For you to interrogate his every fiber, before ultimately giving your permission for him to marry her.

She needs you at her wedding. She needs your love, you hugs, your tears, your support.  To walk her down the isle and tell her how proud of her you are. That she has turned out to be an amazing woman. To dance with her that one last dance.  To tell her she will always be your little girl.  To shake the hand of her husband and tell him to take care of her.

She is going to need you when she has her own children.  They are going to need a grandpa who will spoil them rotten.

She needs YOU.  Not the hope of you or the dream of you. YOU.

Should you choose not to accept that roll, God will absolutley fill the void, but there will never be another YOU. Your absence will always be felt in each of these mentioned moments. Suppressed or not, your absence will be felt. That little girl deserves 100% of you, 100% of the time.

Don't just be a father, be a dad.

It's a role, it's a privilege. Not a title.

Always,

A girl that wishes someone would had said this to her father


This blog comes from the deepest part of my heart that I am still learning about at nearly 30 years old. From someone who has felt every emotion there is to feel when it comes to this subject, I offer these three simple reminders:

Fathers: It's never to late to be apart of her life.

Daughters: Let him. Despite what you feel, you are lucky if you get that chance.

Teenagers: Don't ever tell your dad you hate him in the heat of the moment.  Some girls are dreaming of having a father, who loves them enough, to discipline them in love.

Great Will Cost You Good

Nearly a year ago I moved away from the place I had called home for 26 years of my life.  With that move I left behind family, friends, community, minimal traffic, and basically, my social life.  I was a social butterfly.  I was spoiled to have so many people around that I loved and that loved me.  Working 8 hours and driving to a restaurant or coffee shop to meet a friend was nothing.  Life was good.

Then God's plan unfolded.  His promise came true.  And I fell in love. 

All of the sudden, life was GREAT.  But, in order to fully embrace this great life, I had to move. 

My GREAT life was going to cost me my GOOD life. 

When I first moved, everything was fine.  I was so busy adjusting to a new job, my new home, and trying to find my way around (which I still have yet to conquer), that I really didn't have time to miss anything.  Then about 6 months in, it hit me. 

I was homesick.

I missed my constant community, face to face talks, and my mom.  Friends were busy and hard to get ahold of and I found my big world starting to get a lot smaller.  Then, I got engaged, and it seemed to somehow get even smaller.  

My best friends, who I had dreamed about this day with, were so far away.  Some with major life events going on.  I found myself very lonely, in what should be the happiest days of my life. 

My fiancé was amazing.  Always encouraging and my constant friend. My friends were amazing too. They did everything they could (and still are) to plan, dream, and prepare for this special day. 

But for a little while there, I was hurting.  No ones fault.  Nothing that anyone could fix, nor did I want them too.  I was just missing the good life. 

One night, as I was praying through this inner struggle, I very clearly heard the Lord speak to me.

"If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison - your father, and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters - yes, even your own life.  Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple" -Luke 14: 25-27

I felt at peace. 

No, Jesus is not literally asking me to hate those that I love, but rather to follow him, with undivided loyalty.  

When you look at the lives of the disciples who followed Jesus, you will not find an easy life, but you will find a great life.  They counted costs and found that the benefits highly outweighed them.  They got to walk side by side with Jesus, witness miracles, and make SO many friends along the way.  In the end, some paid in blood, some in family, and some in friendship, watching their best friend be nailed to a cross. 

And I'm sure if you asked any of them today, they would do it again.  As would I. 

Although there are things, people, and places that I do miss...I am gaining so much by being here.  I look back and realize that those things are still all very much a part of my life and just a drive away.  They have just been placed in the hands of God for a greater plan. By saying yes to God's plan for my life...He is blessing me with some amazing new friends, community, and allowing me to marry my very best friend.  

THIS is the GREAT life.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.

So with all of this said, I encourage you to know that when you choose to follow Christ, wherever he may take you, it may cost you everything you know. However, you will gain so much in return.  Remember that his promises are true and when it hurts like hell, hold on to that.  His love never fails, his plan doesn't change, and his promises are true.  I say it again, His promises are true.  If you choose to walk in faith and trust that he is taking care of you, in the end, it will be ok. 

Just as I am ok. 

Hold fast friends, trust God, and go in faith.  Blessing is coming.  Faithfulness does not go unnoticed. 

Waiting For Something Worth Waiting For

For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed about my wedding day.  About that moment that I would walk down the isle to marry the man of my dreams.  I wanted so badly to be a bride.  I can count the endless hours I spent wondering when it would be my turn.

As years went by and I grew older, suddenly, this didn't seem like something that would ever happen! Beyond that, how long would I have to wait? Was it worth the wait?  Getting married felt like something that I had to make happen. So I dated.

I dated ALL the wrong guys. 

In the midst of dating, knowing full well I was dating people I shouldn't be, I dreamed up my wedding every time.  The dress.  The ceremony.  My bridesmaids.  The colors.  Anything you can think of, except one thing.  

I never dreamed of the groom.  

The images I dreamed up in my mind never included any of the men I had been dating, There was just never a groom!! Most likely because my heart knew these were fleeting relationships, however, kind of an important detail to be missing, don't you think?

That continued, date after date, until Brady. 

I can remember when I first met Brady seven and a half years ago.  We liked the same things, he was so easy to talk to, super cute, and my heart was instantly fond of him.  I can very distinctly remember, after only knowing him for a couple of months, the Lord spoke very clearly to me. 

"He will be your husband."

It was so clear in my heart, but not in my head.  How often is it that our heads get in front of our hearts? Had I trusted God, it would have saved me from so much heartache. I can't count the endless hours I spent with friends, mentors, and alters crying and begging for "my turn".  My heart desired God's will so badly, but my life did not reflect my hearts desires.  

Instead, I chose not to wait for something that was worth waiting for.  And my heart was broken every time.

Fast forward 7 years later and I find myself living that promise from so long ago.  The right timing had come along and I found myself dating Brady.  Was this even real?  Was the things I had dreamed about for so long really happening?!

Dreaming again.... 

But this time it was different.  This time, my dreams included a groom.   Not any groom, but Brady. The one the Lord had planned all along.  That wasn't even the part that was different though.  The difference was, that I was no longer dreaming about a wedding.  I realized that I had spent all of these years dreaming about my perfect wedding day.  DAY.

But with Brady, I dream of marriage.  The wedding is just a bonus in this journey. 

I was no longer in a rush for this "day" to happen.  I cherished every ounce of our "dating relationship" and didn't want to miss a moment of it.  The Lord again spoke to me and asked me to be patient.  

He had been faithful, so I could be patient.  For that, I am so thankful.  

Although, never having been married before, I realized that this season of dating Brady would be the only season like it we would get.  Although being married means we get forever together, each season to come would look different and we would never get the one before, back.  I didn't want my past habits of obsessing over a wedding day to ruin this exciting time. Ultimately, this season of dating Brady, was preparing us for the marriage, not the wedding.  This was the season that we get to dote over each other, we get to DATE, we get to figure out how to communicate, we get to miscommunicate, and we get to figure each other out.  This season is the foundation of our forever and had I allowed old habits to die hard, I would have completely missed allowing the Lord to lay the foundation of forever.  What was the rush?

Now, don't get me wrong.  I still dream of being a bride and my special day.  More than that though, I dream of being a wife.  Of knowing how to speak to my husband with respect and honoring him with everything I am.  Learning how to follow him in the good and the bad. Knowing how to SPEAK to him, not fight with him.  Experiencing a genuine love crafted by my creator, for me.  I don't want to be so excited about being a BRIDE, that I miss the growth of this season that will make me a WIFE.  

The wedding is just a day, the marriage is forever. 

THAT is why there was never a groom in any of the past dreams.  Because my heart only desired the day, not the life. 

As I sit here and type this, I do so with an engagement ring on my finger.  God's promise, from so many years ago, fulfilled.  Brady will be my husband and I his wife.  And this is a new season, a step above dating, that I will cherish every day of.  I won't miss the lessons its hold or the growth that awaits me.  I will allow the Lord to prepare my heart and pray he prepares his.  And when that day comes, that I walk down the isle as a bride, I walk into a season of FOREVER that could have ONLY been formed and fashioned in this season of patience. 

Brady was worth the wait.  And whoever you will marry someday is worth the wait.  

Wait for something worth waiting for. 

Hold tight, dreams do come true.  Don't waste your forever on impatience.  The gift is to great to open early. 

The Lucky 5

Five has ALWAYS been my "lucky number" or my favorite number if you will. Not because it was the number on my soccer jersey when I was younger, not because I had 5 siblings, and not because 5 is the number that has consistently popped up in numerous occasions in my life. 

It is my favorite number for the sheer fact that I like writing it. I like the way that it looks. 

Silly I know. 

Little did I know that all these years later, 5 would have a very significant importance in my life. 

This week, July 17th, I celebrate 5 years of being CANCER FREE. 

According to Newsday.com: 

In the big scheme of things, five years isn't much time. But for people diagnosed with cancer, five years is a kind of signpost that suggests whether they're on the road to recovery.

"It's a good benchmark and gives you a sense of someone's overall prognosis," said Dr. Jules Cohen, an oncologist and assistant professor of clinical medicine at Stony Brook University Cancer Center. "It is a surrogate for 10 years and 20 years and 30 years. Although it's not a perfect surrogate, it's a good approximation of long-term outcome for people."

In other words, making it to five years is a good indication -- but not a guarantee -- that a person will survive for years or decades longer.

That's me! 5 years!

I knew when I reached five years it would be a big deal. However, I didn't quite expect it to be this big of a deal. I have to admit, this week, being the week before this anniversary that means so much, I have struggled with fear a little more than usual. I find myself reliving that day in April of 2009 when the words, "The tumor biopsy came back as malignant. It's cancerous." Being 23 years old at the time, I should have been focused on living life to the fullest, instead I was faced with whether or not I was going to live at all.

Now we are here, five years has come and gone, but that day, those words, still feel like yesterday. There are still moments of fear, there are still appointments, and there is still pain. None of that has changed. However, I can honestly say that one thing that has certainly changed in the last five years is what my idea of "living" is. I have learned how to truly live. 

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

THAT IS HOW YOU LIVE.

The minute the words: "you have cancer" came out of my doctors mouth, I instantly felt weak. I suddenly had no power over the situation or the outcome. Then he proceeded to tell me that there was nothing I did to cause it and nothing I could have done to prevent it. So you are telling me, its not my fault, but even if I had known it was going to happen, nothing I could have done would have kept it from happening?

Weak.

From April to September,  as I endured surgery after surgery, physical therapy, and enough pain medication to fill a pharmacy; I had to rely on other people (mostly my poor mother) to help me get through life. I couldn't do anything by myself. I couldn't cook, I couldn't drive, for goodness sakes I could barely make it to the bathroom on my own. I was 23, using a walker. If I wanted a glass of water, I had to call for my mom because I couldn't carry it on my own. A glass of water. 

Weaker. 

Due to the high amount of pain medication I was on. I slept all the time. Basically I slept for 3 months straight. It became easier then relying on other people though. It became better than facing the fact that I was sick and that life was going on without me. I felt depressed. I really just wanted to hang out with my friends, to enjoy my summer, to be 23. Instead, I laid in my bed, unable to do anything that I wanted to. 

Even. More Weak. 

On July 17, 2009, my oncologist called me and told me that my cancer was gone. The ever so redeeming words, "You are officially cancer free" were some of the best words anyone has ever said to me. Now don't get me wrong, I sat for hours and cried over the joy in my heart that I would "live", but really, nothing had changed. I had not more cancer, but I still couldn't drive, couldn't walk, and couldn't get the glass of water I wanted. I felt frustrated that those words didn't bring immediate redemption to the life that I once knew. Five years later, I can drive again, I can cook, and I can certainly get my own glass of water, but there are still things that I deal with even to this day. Just yesterday, my leg was cramping so bad that I just wanted to cry, I can't run, and my shoe selection is minimum at best. There are numerous "rules" for my new foot (did I mention I lost a toe and a bone in my foot?) and my new life. Rules that I do not want to follow all of the time, but this I have learned: 

Living is not about WHAT you can and can't do. It about HOW you do it. 

I tried so hard to be strong throughout those months. Tried until my heart finally couldn't take it anymore and I learned that I don't have to be strong, that isn't my role. He is my strength. 

"I can do all things through Christ..."

ALL THINGS! When your mom told you that you could do anything you put your mind to, she was right. It didn't matter what "rules" were placed on my life by man, if the Lord was leading me to do something, and I was in his will, ANYTHING I had been called to do, he would help me do. He would pave the way, prepare my leg, and open the doors to do it. It may not look the way that I wanted it to, but it would be done. I have found that looking at things through the eyes of the Lord gives new perspective. My views are limited only to my knowledge. I see only a keyhole of the big picture. Allowing myself to be open to "not my will by your will Lord" has allowed things to happen in a way that works with those rules I have. Because the Lord doesn't bend the rules, he just bypasses them completely. When I follow God's plan for my life, I don't have to worry about breaking the rules that have been made for me, for my body on this earth, because his ways are not the ways of the world. The Lord goes before me and makes a way. 

"...who strengthens me."

I can't count the number of times that people have heard my life story, from my childhood to my cancer, and have told me: "Wow, you are so strong"! I would agree. I consider myself to be a strong person, I have endured a lot, but I am not ALWAYS strong. There are times that even I can only take so much and find myself to be a puddle of tears and so frustrated to the point of giving up. It is in those moments where I know, I don't have to, nor do I, do this alone. I don't have to be strong. I can lean on Him. One of the worst things I had to do in physical therapy was sitting down in front of two buckets of water: one ice cold and one hot. I had to pick up marbles with my toes and move them from bucket to bucket. It helped my toes in bending and help the swelling between the water temperatures. Seems easy enough right? False. It was the hardest thing for me to accomplish and would often times bring me to tears. It was painful beyond belief and I could not get my toes to bend to pick up those stupid marbles. Often times, between the tears, the simple prayer of, "Lord, I really need your help. I can't do this right now" would give me the strength I needed to complete the task. It didn't change the amount of difficulty or the amount of pain, but it gave me the strength I needed to endure them. 

Life is painful and certainly it is difficult, but you CAN get through it. 

"You can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens YOU."

Suddenly being weak was ok. It wasn't so crippling. It didn't mean that something was broken in me, it meant that I was human, just as I had been created to be. My strength, your strength is not found in this body, as it fails, but in Him alone. As you stay in his will, whatever life throws at you can be endured, as he will be the strength you need to face it. So stop trying to be strong yourself. 

Be Weak.

 5 years from now...you will see that it may be your greatest Victory. 

Here is to kicking cancer's butt for 5 years in his strength! 

Unanswered Prayers

A few years back while driving with my friend, he played a song that tugged on my memory strings. I knew I had heard it before. As I began to listen to the lyrics, I suddenly found myself singing every lyric by memory. I recognized the song as one I had heard many times before as a kid.

The lyrics went like this:

"Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer, doesn't mean he don't care.
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

(Unanswered Prayers-Garth Brooks)

Yes. I had totally heard this song before.


As I sang each lyric I realized that singing it as a child, I had no idea what the meaning of this chorus was. Even as I sung in that day in my friends car in my early twenties, I would still debate if I fully knew that depth of those words. But now, as I reminisce on those lyrics in my late twenties, I would say that I finally semi understand what they are saying.

Life didn't come easy to me growing up. And some years, it seems as though it was getting worse. I found myself often times begging for the Lord to have mercy on me.

"Please Lord, can there just be a season of rest for my life. Does it ALWAYS have to be this hard?"

I can recall countless conversations like this I had with the Lord.

A few years back I, in my anger and frustration, decided to take life into my own hands and found myself on a path of rebellion. Where I allowed myself to "experience life" the way that I believed it should be. I mean, if He couldn't get it right, I would just have to do it myself, right?

Wrong. OH...haha...so wrong.

At the end of that year and a half tyrant rebellion, I found myself before the Lord saying the same thing. "Lord, does it ALWAYS have to be this hard?" Only this time, it was my own doing. I was bruised and broken. I had been pushed to the edge of what I could handle and found myself doing everything I could to just breath. And still, after trying it on my own, nothing was going the way that I thought it should. I was twenty seven, family was still broken, I was still in pain from my cancer, I was still unmarried with no children and no perspectives, I still was unhappy in my career, and a WHOLE lot more baggage.

When I think about these lyrics I can not help but be reminded of the grace of God. That his timing is perfect and that mine, well mine is not.

In that year of trying to do things on my own, all I did was postpone what I wanted so badly. By shutting out the voice of the Lord in my life, I was ultimately shutting his will out of my life as well. I was running away from it, rather than to it. The desires of my heart were now further away from where I was.

And it was painful. Oh, was it painful.

And it was more painful to think of the fact that in that time, the things I experienced and allowed myself to do was exactly what the Lord was trying to protect me from. There are so many things, people, places during that time that I look back with the "what if" in the forefront of my mind. No, not the "what if" of "man, that could have been awesome." but the "what if" of...."what if that had been my forever?!", "what if I had married that person?!", "what if I had stayed there?!". But those prayers, those things I had begged God for, and decided that I was going to try and find on my own, those unanswered prayers...Those are the greatest gifts he could have EVER given me.

And I am thankful for the following:

"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" -Philippians 1:6

I am so glad that the Lord said, "ok Amanda, are you over this so we can move on?" How great is his mercy. It is also amazing to me that the moment I decided to say "yes" to the Lord, that things began to change. Instantly. New job, new friendship, new love, back in school, WORTH, LOVE, GRACE, FOCUS, and PASSION. All of these restored to me. I know as years go by, there will be more and more blessing to come. I know there will be still be the struggle of the "when", but I now know, from experience, that the Lord is faithful, and his timing is perfect. Again, mine is not. So I don't take those  unanswered prayers as Him forgetting about me, but him loving me.

I am SO glad (SO GLAD) that the Lord was and is not done with me and that he who began a good work in me will carry it out to completion. That means the desires of my heart and all the endeavors my future holds. I have seen his faithfulness to this point and tomorrow will be no different. Waiting for the things of the Lord has now become a joy to me because I have new perspective.

What are you waiting for? Take time to pray through it, consider it, and break it apart. Could there be reasons that you do not have it yet? Is there anything in your life that YOU need to change in order for God's will to move forward? And what can you do in this season of waiting to prepare yourself for when the Lord does bring that, whatever it is, to your life?

The future is yours, written by him, and lived out together.

The best things in life are worth the wait. Don't ruin a good thing, but rushing a good thing.

He is not done with you.