This week I went to my small group that was being held by the pool at my friend's apartment complex. This was the first time I had been able to join the girls this go around, so I was not sure where to go when I arrived. When I walked up to the leasing office, I could see the pool behind it through the windows. Although the sign said they closed at 6, when I tried the door it was open, so I figured that must have been the way to go. I walked towards the back sliding doors and there I could see several of the my friends sitting in a circle talking, so naturally I thought, "this was must be way." However, when I tried the slider, they were locked. The girls could not see me and I was trying to get their attention. Eventually, they did see me, told me the correct way to get in, and we all had a good laugh.
The next day, I was at work on my break, just sitting at my desk staring into space. It had been a week since my uncle passed away and just two days since my husband's grandmother passed away. So much loss. Grief and sadness that was overwhelming. Tears started to well in my eyes and the Lord gave me a vision:
I walked down a narrow, dark hallway. At the end of the hallway was a solid door with a window on the top half of the door. All I could see was the light that was coming from the other side of the door, which as piercing the darkness in the hallway. When I got to the door and looked in, my heart quickened. The first face that I saw was my grandmothers. She was siting at a table eating. Not just eating, but eating with no struggle. It was not long before I realized that the person that was sitting across from her was my uncle. He was bending over putting on his boots. He looked up at my grandmother and they shared a laugh. He stood and picked up a cowboy hat from he table and put it on. He looked amazing. He stood up straight. When he walked across the room, there was no limping or struggle. He looked strong. His body was whole. He looked a way that I had not seen I was a toddler. As I looked around the room, I realized that I was seeing the people whom I loved in this life and had lost. My friend Jaimee was sitting in a corner, playing a guitar. She appeared to be singing. What I would have given to hear what she was singing. My friend Rachel was standing by another window looking out. It looked like she was watching someone else or waiting. Sitting in two chairs towards the middle of the room was my husband's grandmother, sitting and reunited with her husband. She looked so so happy. There was a young girl playing at their feet, who I only assume to be her daughter that she lost many years ago.
These were the people I loved, people who my heart has been breaking over because I miss so much. They were no sad, there was no pain. They had a sense of joy and a look of peace on their faces that I don't think I could ever explain. One that I know could never be found on this earth. This was heaven I was watching. I looked again at my uncle. Someone I grieved for on this earth because he body betrayed him on a daily basis. There was no struggle in him. He was whole. It was beautiful. The tears streamed down my face. The only sound I could hear was that of my own weeping.
The vision ended and The Lord spoke to me, "The sting is on the other side of the door."
Again I wept.
Death does sting. It stings so bad. Losing someone you love hurts to the core of who we are. I have endured a lot of loss in this world and it has been in a very short amount of time. It is heartbreaking, in a literal sense of feeling like my heart is in pieces. There are times when the sadness feels like it will take my very breath away. Sometimes I feel like I can't go on another day. However, when the Lord gave me that vision, when I looked upon the faces of the ones I loved in this world, I realized that those feelings were only mine. They do not experience any of them. No sadness, no loss of breath, no pain, no heartbreak. Only joy, peace, and endless amounts of God's presence. They are made whole in a way we will not know this side of heaven.
The sting is only felt on the other side of the door. Our side of the door.
I feel like this was God's way of acknowledging that he sees me where I am and that it is ok. I also believed that he wanted me to see that they were ok. I think often times as Christians, we do not have enough grace for ourselves in the process. We hear the "isms" all the time, "Jesus has a plan in all of this", "Jesus loves you", and my person favorite "Jesus would not give you more than you can handle" (not biblical btw and not true). Although most of the time these "isms" are absolutely true, they do not make the process easier, just because they are said. The process SUCKS and it is painful. Yes, we were formed and fashioned in our mother's wombs. Jesus absolutely knew what he was doing when he created us, but when we were born, we were born into flesh. The flesh part of us has emotions. Emotions are meant to be felt and experienced. I do believe that God would want us to feel every single one of them. It is what we do of with them that is the key.
Another "ism" that we hear all of the time when we lose people in this world is, "They are in a better place." When our loved ones know the Lord, this is a fact. They ARE in a better place. Seeing this vision that God gave me seals that in my heart. It was God giving my grieving heart a glimpse of truth. Sometimes the grief blurs the truth. Its almost that sometimes we believe that what we feel is what they feel. That there is eternal separation from them. We will never see them again. However, in Christ, this is not the case. We are simply just standing on the other side of the door. We are the ones that are broken and bruised, not the ones we grieve for. Not anymore.
The last month or so I have not been ok. I have cried more than I care to admit, I have and my heart feels like a ton of bricks ALL of the time. But that is ok for now. I miss my family members and my friends. I always will. I will always miss them while we are separated on this earth, but I am engaged in being honest with my feelings and my heart during that time.
If you are hurting, I want to encourage you that you are not alone, that it is ok to not be ok, and that there is freedom to feel. Ask God to show you what it is you need to see as you process your emotions. He is faithful.
To all of those standing on the side of the door we are not on....We miss you.
